Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you badly.

I do know that people have treated me badly in my life, but I've honestly forgotten most of it.

One thing that really changed my life though was my experience with "The Church" and "Christians".

I'll start off with a little disclaimer that I am a Christian and I worship God/Jesus and I believe that I am exponentially blessed. My experience with the Lord is personal, it's mine and I really don't feel like I have to justify it to anyone. But the worst experience I have ever had in my life has been with so called Christians. The type of "Christians" who only use the bible to sprout hate and intolerance. I won't go any further into this, as anyone who happens to read this will know of whom I speak.

When I fell pregnant with Ciara (out of wedlock), it was not planned. I was scared, and overwhelmed. When Ciara was born, I was told that I had to apologise to God or both she and I would go to hell.

My relationship with organised religion was tenuous at best at that time, and that was the straw that broke the camels back. Fuck 'em. I will NEVER apologise to ANYONE for the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I am still a Christian and I still love God, but I think that these people are the reason for the shortest sentence in the bible.

"Jesus Wept".

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living

Um, Ciara again. I'm starting to think that she is just going to be the answer to all the questions!! It's not that life was not worth living before she came along. But she is truly my greatest mistake.

I have loved people in my life, some more than others, but I have never felt the kind of all encompassing, completing, true, unconditional love that I have for that child.

She is everything to me.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Lose Ciara, nuff said.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life

I never actually realised how hard it would be to answer these questions!

At the risk of sounding cliched, I really just hope to always be happy.

I hope that my daughter grows up to be a good person. I hope that South Africa pulls itself together. I hope that my friends and family are all healthy and safe, and that I don't ever lose anyone close to me.

That would keep me happy.

Why

So sometimes I pick up the bosses telephone extension, like when he is on his cell phone.
I then take a message and ask the caller "Where are you calling from?" I invariably get a suburb as an answer.

Really!?!?!? Are you calling on behalf of an entire suburb of Gauteng or the surrounding regions? What makes you think I have any interest in what suburb you are currently in? Since you are calling a business, on what I assume is a business call, would it not make FAR more sense to tell me what company you are calling from? And if it's a private call, simply say "It's a private call."

Sometimes when I make private calls I say, Hi this is Kerryn from Company X. Then I laugh and say "I guess you didn't really need to know that since it isn't relevant, ha, ha".

I must learn to be more specific and ask "From which company are you calling?"

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Erm, well yeah.

Hmmmmmmmmm, I think I've done all the forgiving I'm going to do about the past. I don't like to hold on to painful things, so I do tend to 'forgive' and let stuff go. The most difficult (by far) is forgiving my dad.

My mom left when I was only four, so I don't really remember having a dad in my life. And he never really made an effort to be an awesome dad. I love my dad, and I'm sure that he loves me. But we don't have anything in common, and he's really not all that interested in my life. I've let it go for the most part, but I'd be a liar if I said it didn't still hurt sometimes.
As a kid it wasn't my responsibility to form a relationship with him, and as an adult I've not really made any efforts, after all how do you make someone want a real relationship with you?

I see people around me with really spectacular relationships with their dads, and I'm very envious, and a little sad that I never had that.

I don't think that I can forgive him any further. I've forgiven as far as I am capable of doing. I've let go of the hurt as much as I can let go of the hurt. What's left just has to be dealt with *shrug*

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Hmmm, I don't generally hold grudges against anyone, least of all myself. I've pretty much forgiven myself for all the stupid shit I've ever done (and there was quite a lot :-)).

I suppose it would have to be for ending the relationship between Ciara's dad and myself. Don't get me wrong, I know I made the right decision for both Ciara and I, but when she started asking me questions about why we weren't together it really did make me feel quite guilty.

At the end of the day, it's all worked out for the best, but I suppose I still have a little residual guilt left over.




on another note altogether, I'm doing much better at this than I had initially envisaged. Every second or third day is WAY better than once or twice a month.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself

This is probably more difficult than the last one because there are just so many things (jk).

Hmmm, If I had to choose only thing, it would be my sense of humour. I love to laugh, and I love things that are funny.

I may not always be appropriate and sometimes I probably offend, but I laugh at the stupid things I do, so you can be pretty damn sure I'm going to laugh at the stupid things other people do too.

Other people may not love this about me as much as I do :-)

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself

Crises, there are a few things I don't like very much about myself, but only one or two I really hate.

If I had to pick one thing, I think it would be my nose. I've always hated my nose. It's a horrible nose. It does not fit my face. It is ski-rampy and too long. I'm going to get it fixed.

I know that's a pretty superficial thing, but my personality defects (har har), are things that I am really working on. I try to be more patient. I try not to be too judgemental. I try to let stuff go, even though I know I'm right. I work every day at being a better person. So those things I can't hate because they make me, me.

My nose is just an eyesore and it needs to go (not literally go, because that would just look weird.)

Thirty Days of Blog

This is a frocking awesome idea that I stole from Angel.

Since I'm really crap at regularly blogging, this might give me some motivation, or whatever. I don't promise to actually do this in 30 days. I'll try. I'll even make a concerted effot to do it like every second day, at least. If I actually get through this, no-one will be more amazed than me!!

Okay, so the idea is to blog about a different topic every day. This is the list.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you badly.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Do you need to be validated?

Sometimes I find this whole parenting gig to be quite difficult. Now that Ciara is getting older (and more sassy), I find that I actually have to do more PARENTING than just hanging out and listening and having fun.

I think my biggest failures as a parent come in the form of validation and sympathy. Now don't get me wrong, Ciara knows that I will love her, and that she will always be my first priority in life - no matter what. So her position as the centre of MY universe is not the problem. It's the rest of the world I'm concerned about.

I also lack the skill of mustering up the necessary sympathy for the scraped knee. Six hours after it happened. When it wasn't sore when it hurt, but it magically is now that it's been cleaned, and she's seen that it is in fact a scrape, and not just dirt. I'm like 'Ciara, it didn't hurt when it happened', and she's 'but mom I didn't know it was a scrape then.' and then she looks at me like I'm and idiot. Because it's perfectly logical that something didn't hurt when you thought it was dirt, but now that you know it's a scrape it must logically hurt. WTF?
Then I muster up the best 'eina' face I can and say 'Oh poor baby' because I don't know what the hell else to do.

I won't get into the incessant talking. Sometimes I actually have to say 'Ciara, for the love of all things sane and pretty, please just stop talking for like 5 minutes'. And then I feel really crappy. Because what kind of parent tells their kid to shut up? But it's not like she listens to me. She just rolls her eyes and gives me the 'whatever' look, and picks up right where she left off. It's a skill, often leaving me wondering if the 25 seconds before really happened, or were just a figment of my imagination.

Overall, I really quite enjoy this crazy, confusing and metamorphic job I was thrust into. She's quite a peach that little one. I think I'll keep her.

Can someone explain this to me?

Okay, so you can see the spelling of my name there on the right. It's not an easy name to spell, and when I speak to people I always tell them how to spell my name. Not once, in the history of EVER, has someone managed to spell my name correctly without being given the spelling.

So I understand the Caryn, Karen, Kerrin, Keran, Kiaran when someone hasn't been given the correct spelling.

But how, for the love of all things good and shiny in this world, do you get it wrong when you are replying to an e-mail, that contains the correct spelling of my name not once, but THREE times. And you still address the e-mail "Hi Kerin". How do you do that?

It must be some kind of gift, to be able to completely ignore EVERYTHING around you. I am either the most conscientious person I know (I actually check the spelling of peoples names when I reply to e-mails), or I am surrounded by some of the worlds most wilfully oblivious people!

This is difficult

Crickey, keeping up with this blogging thing is difficult.

I get my best blogging ideas at around 3:23am, but by the time I'm fully away (8:41am), the ideas are all gone.

I was thinking the other day about how many 'Internet crushes' I have. There are so many words written in so many blogs that I simply must read every day. My cyber crushes are both boys and girls (although I swing only one way irl.)

There are those that I admire, those that inspire, those that make me laugh, and even those that make me cry. I have 17 blogs that I read almost every day. I feel like I know those people. I'm disappointed when they don't blog EVERY DAY. When they decide to leave blogging (forever, or just for a while) I feel personally abandoned.

OMG : The Boss just missed his flight to Tanzania!?! He assumed 12:30am on the 14th was tomorrow morning?!? WTH?

Okay, so, love you guys, do you want to split a milkshake at the Wimpy?

When you just want to scream F#%k

I'm a pretty laid back person. I don't usually sweat the small stuff.

I have a touch of OCD that sometimes makes my change other peoples loo roll so that it goes over not under, and 'poke' people back on facebook, because the notification on my home page annoys me so much, even though I don't get the point of 'poking'.

But sometimes I just want to scream F#%k. But I can't because I'm a mom, and a daughter, and an employee. And screaming F#%K will just freak people out.

Like for instance, my mom has the most annoying way of not being able to finish anything. Why would a person leave two tablespoons of coke in the two litre bottle, and put it back in the fridge. Just drink it out of the damn bottle and throw it away. Or use my cheese and leave a piece the size of a 10 cent coin. Just eat it for frocks sake, what am I supposed to do with a piece of cheese that size? Just finish a thing, man! Stop trying to make me scream F#%k. But I can't because she's a good mom. She cooks me dinner every night, and takes care of my kid when she's on school holidays, and does so much more for me.

And Ciara, bless her, she is the worlds sweetest nine year old. I love that kid more than life itself. But when she comes home from school, having 'lost' her R500-00 bomber jacket, I just want to scream F#%k. But I can't. Because she's a good kid, and it's not like she meant to lose the thing, or like she loses things every day. But what THAT, why not the R25-00 socks, or the R30-00 tie? Why the most expensive item of school clothing she has?

And the boss. Crikey, I do love him in that non-romantic we've-worked-together-for-12-years-and-know-each-other-better-than-our-mothers kind way. But I'm busy, I don't need or want to be on the phone listening to you unnecessarily repeating things for 11 minutes. Just leave me alone, and let me be a recluse here in my office. I like it this way.

But I suppose life wouldn't quite be life if we didn't sometimes want to scream F#%k. This moment will pass, and I'll come out the other side of it, having further repressed my emotional outbursts.

There's nothing like a little repression at the end of the day. I'm not drowning, just swimming vigorously.

Sometimes, a girl just wants to look . . .

When you're out with your friends and you see two young men who are rather fine to look at, but young enough to be, well . . . your younger brothers, sometimes a girl just wants to look.

I can describe it best by using the following analogy.

So, you are walking down the street, and happen to pass the Porsche dealership. Inside you see a shiny new Cayenne.



It's beautiful to look at. You press your face up to the glass, and close your eyes and just for one moment, imagine running your tongue from it's sunroof to it's shiny bumper. Then you stop, and shake your head. Back to reality, back to 4th grade algebra, Btu's and building plans.

It's not like you will never have a Cayenne. It's just that you are not ready for the Cayenne right now. And when you are ready, maybe you don't want a Cayenne anymore. Maybe you would prefer an X5, or maybe something shinier and sleeker, or maybe you're into a hybrid by that time.

Buying a car is a HUGE commitment, it's an emotional commitment (shudder), how do you know when you're ready for it?

Cyanide and Happiness

I haven't been able to read C&H for a while due to restrictions of my internet access at work, so I was just reading through some of the posts now, and when I read this one, I truly did L O L.


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Edited to add : I know it doesn't fit properly - I spent like 1 minute trying to fix it and then gave up - click it. - Never mind!!

Just an FYI to spammers

To all the advertising spammers of the world. The chances of me responding to your cell phone ad spam is slim to none. The chances of me responding to your badly written, terribly juvenile ad spam is less than zero.

At least the e-mail advertising spam I get is mostly well written.

I'm just saying.

My lifes mission

I swear, even if it kills me, I will make sure at least one person in this world thinks logically. It is my mission in life to force others to think logically.

Day after day people come into my office and tell me something like "the plotter is not working" and then look at me with this look on their face. This look that says "I have thought long and hard about it, but despite my hours of contemplation, I cannot see any way forward from this dilemma. I have come to you, oh great knower of all, for you eternal wisdom and knowledge."

There was a time I would glance in my pocket, then under my desk, and proclaim loudly "the plotter repairing fairies are not hiding in my office at this time." But my magical wit was usually lost on them, and their brows would furrow and their heads would tilt about 15° to the left and a wave of confusion would wash over them like a soft and comfy blankie.

So I just gave up with the sarcasm, and now say "Well what did THE PLOTTER REPAIR PEOPLE say when you phoned them?"
Which is technically still sarcasm, but might actually get a point across.

It only takes about five minutes for them to get it.

I live in eternal hope that one day someone will walk into my office and say "The plotter is not working, the repair guy will be here tomorrow. Just letting you know"

Why? Why can people just not take the next logical step in situations such as this.

You know what I don't get?

Seriously, you know what I don't get?

People who say they don't have time to eat.
Just to be clear, I am studying for a degree, trying to build a house, work full time and I'm a single parent. But do you know what I still make time for? Yup, eating. It's not like it's that a time consuming endeavor. I mean sure, I don't have time to cook, but that's what I have a mom for (love you mom) and I get that other people don't have a live-in-mom, but there are always alternatives (hello, Woolworths :-)).

People who don't use their indicators (flickers, turn signal, whatever).
It's the flick of a finger people - not rocket science. Just do it. Do it for my mental health. Do it to keep from eventually snapping and shoving a indicator where an indicator should never be shoved.

Twilight, et al.
I will admit having seen both Twilight and New Moon. I will also admit that they are not the WORST movies I have ever seen. I will even admit that they hold a certain appeal . . . . . to children. Ciara LOVES Twilight, and that's okay. Because she's nine. Anyone older than, say 11, who loves Twilight must be sat down for a good talking to.

Justin Bieber hate.
Look, I think the kid is an arrogant little baby, who sings terrible songs in the voice of a girl. I just don't care enough about him to summon any hate. As they say, this too shall pass.

Well, okay, so my second blog post for 2010 is done (go, me). Grief, I'm trying to be more attentive to you, my wilting blog, but it's just not that easy . . .

It's a fight to the death

Over at Nerdmag there is an Auction for charity. I initially read through it but wasn't too interested in any of the goods on Auction (I'm not a part of the Social Media group, so a lot of the stuff was over my head.)

But I did happen upon "a batch of 12 chocolate cupcakes with a creme-caramel secret-centre and chocolate fudge icing". This item spoke to my very soul.

So I started off at a very reasonable R201-00 for the 12 cupcakes, but I have competition. And it will be a fight to the death. I will have those cupcakes!

I'm currently on R354-85, and I won't give up.

I'm not actually sure when (if) the Auction ends, so this may get heated . . .

Coming up next . . . . Do I, or do I not get the coveted cupcakes?

I'm 15 again, with the internet at my disposal

So, the blog has undergone a bit of a facelift. I'm really going to try and be better at this. I have SO much to say, and a limited number of times my friends will keep accepting the long winded "news" letters I keep sending them . . . .

But anyway, ya, back to the title. I LOVE Fall Out Boy. The nonsensical lyrics are really of no real importance when you listen to the music, because, well, wow.

But I've always thought FOB = Pete Wentz, who while a cute little thing is really not what I fancy in a boy.
So on the weekend I'm visiting with Kim-O and we watched "Sugar, we're goin down" on YouTube, which I've never seen before and I thought to myself "that lead singer there is quite nice too".

So what do I do. I spend five hours on Saturday night Googling Patrick Stump, who while a little chubby, four inches shorter than me and eight years younger (exactly eight - we share a birthday), is still the stuff my dreams are made of.







So you see, he's not conventionally good looking, but man he makes me warm and tingly where it counts.

I seriously feel like I'm 15 again and this strikes a remarkable resemblance to my "Vanilla Ice" phase of the early 90's . . . .

Thank God I didn't have the Internets available to me then!

So I hereby declare Patrick Stump as my Secret Boyfriend (phrase stolen, with credit to her.)